We Need a Little Christmas

Normally at this time of year, I’d be bemoaning the incursion of all things Christmas on the more homely, peaceful rhythms of late fall. I’d complain about Thanksgiving getting short shrift while all the tinsel and trappings took over. But with COVID-19 surging across the country and families forced to cancel or restrict their Thanksgiving feasts, it doesn’t seem right to quibble about Americans seeking some Christmas cheer.

We have had a bout of mild weather here in the Midwest, which has inspired homeowners to get out those boxes of twinkly lights and blow-up Santas and put them up early. Already storefronts and lampposts have been adorned with wreaths and lights. Fully decorated Christmas trees are making an early appearance too. And for once I say, bring it on!

The grim toll that the coronavirus has taken on our people shows no slowing down with more than 250,000 dead and many people facing the lingering effects of a virus we know too little about. Once simple and pleasurable activities such as dining out or having friends over have become fraught with risk. Many Americans have not seen important loved ones for nearly a year. Grandparents and their grandchildren have missed out on hugs and kisses. People struggling with mental illness are suffering from the isolation and fear. We are all hurting this holiday season.

So I say we pull out all the stops and blanket the world with Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice – all the festivals of light and hope. Let’s get our peppermint mochas and stuff ourselves with gingerbread cookies and latkes. We should stretch out the eight days of Hanukkah to 28, the 12 days of Christmas to 24. We should spend our days listening to holiday music and our evenings watching holiday programs on TV.

There have been promising developments in the race to produce a vaccine that will help us gain control over the scourge of COVID-19. I feel hopeful that next year at this time we can look back at 2020 within the cozy bosom of our families and feel grateful that we have endured.

In the meantime, let’s stay home and partake in all the fun and frivolity of the season. This YouTube video might be a good start:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYpdPP-RqkU

Ties That Bind

The other day, my sisters and I braved chilly temps and blustery winds to meet outside for a socially distant get together. At times we could barely hear each other over the wind as we sat in a circle six feet apart, all of us covered from head to toe in warm clothing. Yet we would all say we had a thoroughly wonderful time. Such are the ties that bind.

Throughout this pandemic, people have sought creative ways to stay in touch and to be together. Zoom stockholders are sitting pretty these days as the virtual meeting platform has become a lifeline among colleagues and loved ones. Each Sunday my family meets on Zoom to share the week’s joys and challenges – and to see each other’s beloved faces.

Outdoor dining has been another invaluable resource for safer in-person meetings. Even as the weather has turned cooler, a few judiciously spaced heaters can make the outdoor spaces tolerable, at least for now. Many restaurants have erected tents outside their buildings for further protection from the elements.

Mask wearing has also made brief meetings much less risky. I recently went on a walk with a friend, and our masks did not at all deter our conversation. My piano teacher and I also wear masks for our weekly lesson. These activities have made me feel so much less isolated from those I care about.

The lengths we are willing to go to to see our friends and loved ones are a strong indication of how important personal ties are to people’s emotional and mental well-being. One of the disturbing side effects of the lockdowns was an increase in suicides and drug overdoses. (npr.org, Oct. 14, 2020) We need each other. Let’s remember this simple truth as we near a divisive and bitter presidential election. Let’s strengthen the ties that bind. It’s the only way to get through tough times and come out stronger on the other side.

Force of Habit

A friend of mine recently asked the following question on his Facebook page: “Would you consider hypnosis to eliminate a bad habit?” That question got me thinking about how enduring habits can be and how hard to break.

Routines are important to human existence. Imagine if every day, you had to think about each and every action you needed to take. Such tasks as getting dressed, brushing teeth, putting on the coffee, and driving one’s known route to work are all made easier when we don’t really need to think about them. And they become so ingrained that when circumstances change, we still accidentally do some things on a sort of auto pilot. Who among has never followed a familiar route while driving and then realized we were actually supposed to be going a different way?

Habits are a bit more idiosyncratic. We develop them for a myriad of reasons. Many bad habits started in childhood when we attempted to soothe ourselves in times of distress. Thumb sucking, nail biting, and knuckle cracking (my personal bugaboo) are a few of these habits that become so ingrained in a child, it’s hard to break them of it. I remember my cousin telling me that she used to have to wear gloves to bed to break her habit of sucking on her fingers. And to this day, when I am feeling stressed, I start cracking my knuckles, a habit that has not been kind to the looks of my fingers.

People also develop habits around eating, drinking, and other substance use. The nature of many things we ingest makes them addictive or habit-forming. Smoking in particular is a damaging addiction that people spend years and serious money on eliminating. For these people, hypnosis might be just the ticket to helping them rid themselves of the destructive habit. My eating habits are the area in which I struggle. The temptation to eat sweets is something I have had all my life, and my sweet tooth just doesn’t want to give up.

I’ve read that it can take months or even a year to eliminate a bad habit. The best way to get rid of one seems to be to develop a new habit to replace it. This is easier said than done, though. Accountability to someone else helps. This is why organizations such as Weight Watchers have regular meetings for members to share their progress and struggles.

COVID-19 has forced many of us to confront our habits, good and bad, as our world has shrunk considerably. At the beginning of the shutdown, I saw a video that depicted a young man, alone and depressed in his apartment. He looked slovenly, and his coffee table was strewn with junk food wrappers and other trash. He slumped on his couch, dejectedly watching television. Then on the TV appeared Gen. William McRaven giving his famous speech about starting to change our lives by making our beds each morning. The young man took McRaven’s advice, and slowly he got himself up and out of his funk by gaining control over his space and his physical body.

Good habits are life-affirming and healthy, particularly when many externally created structures have been eliminated in our lives. We feel better, are more productive, and usually mentally more stable when we develop these life-enhancing routines. It will be my goal in the months ahead to create many more healthy habits and thus eliminate the not so healthy ones. Who’s with me?

An Open Heart

“Approach today with gratitude, understanding, and openness, knowing it offers potential and possibilities.”

This was the mantra in yesterday’s virtual yoga class. And as often happens, it was exactly the message I needed.

Since becoming an empty nester, I have been grappling with my purpose. Years of habit and necessity have caused me to develop routines that no longer suit my life. But looking out into the vastness of possibility can be scary.

For so long I have identified with my primary roles as wife and mother. The myriad tasks and responsibilities associated with these roles have made it easy to forget about some of the aspirations I had when I was younger. Perhaps it is time to dust off those dreams and see if they still fit the woman I have become.

I have also lived in the same home for almost 20 years, a home that served my growing family well. It may be time to open my mind toward new places and living situations. For years my husband has longed to live in a warmer climate, and I have resisted the notion. But I think it is time to open myself to his long-held wish.

Our relationship also needs to move into a new phase, one in which the day-to-day needs of our children are not paramount. We now have the freedom to redesign our marriage, so to speak.

All of these changes require an open heart. Thanks to yoga, I have begun to practice that openness more consciously and intentionally. So I begin today – and the next phase of my life – “with gratitude, understanding and openness, knowing it offers potential and possibilities.”

China Syndrome

One of the reasons the Trump Administration has had no trouble demonizing the People’s Republic of China is because of their autocratic style of government that stifles independent thought and speech. Ironically, Trump’s own administration has been using the very authoritarian tactics that make China a target of criticism around the world.

One area in which Trump is using the power of his office to stifle dissent is by politicizing the Centers for Disease Control during a pandemic that makes him look bad and threatens to derail his re-election. The most recent example of this came when the CDC removed the following statement from its website: “Airborne particles can be suspended in air and be breathed in by others.” (“CDC reverses itself and says guidelines it posted on coronavirus airborne transmission were wrong,” Washington Post, September 21, 2020) This is not the first time the CDC has seemingly changed its guidelines after pressure from the White House. When independent agencies are forced to censor themselves at the behest of the president, we are venturing into authoritarian government territory.

Trump ironically resembles the Chinese autocracy in other ways:

• using tear gas on peaceful protesters
• keeping people from ethnic minorities in detention camps
• banning consumer products it considers a threat to its country (Tik Tok app)

There are ample reasons to criticize the government of China, most especially in the area of human rights. But Trump’s vilification of the Far East superpower is merely a cynical ploy to keep us from examining his tacit support for Russia and its Poisoner-in-Chief, Vladimir Putin.

And demonizing China has had real detrimental effects on Asian Americans. More than 1,000 instances of anti-Asian racism were reported in California between the months of March and July. (Ashley Wong, Sacramento Bee, September 17, 2020) Trump Administration rhetoric has gotten so bad that the House of Representatives felt called upon to pass a resolution denouncing “anti-Asian rhetoric related to the coronavirus pandemic, including expressions like ‘China virus’ frequently used by President Donald Trump.” (Patricia Zengerle, Reuters, September 17, 2020)

Most of all, Trump’s adversarial tone on China is the height of hypocrisy. When it comes to autocratic leaders, Mr. President, it takes one to know one.

A Great Sacrifice

Whenever we give without counting the cost or calculating the return,
we are learning to bear the beams of love.
– Robert Ellsberg, The Saints’ Guide to Happiness

Yesterday marked the 19th anniversary of one of the darkest days in our history. A weekday morning like any other turned into a horror, and thousands lost their lives. But amid the fear and danger, there were many heroes who gave all they had “without counting the cost.”

We owe a debt of gratitude to our first responders, who rush into harm’s way to save lives every day. On Sept. 11, 2001, 343 firefighters lost their lives in the towers as they tried to help the poor souls trapped in the burning, crumbling buildings. Police officers and EMTs also perished trying to help.

As I write this, firefighters are battling terrible blazes in Oregon and California. Photos show them sprawled on the hard ground, exhausted and spent, the adrenaline that must course through their veins as they brave the flames having finally left their system. Every day they risk life and limb to help save homes and lives.

Also as I write, medical professionals are risking disease and even death as they courageously help patients severely afflicted by COVID-19. They don their own version of battle armor each time they venture into the hospital and spend countless depleting hours helping others fight for their lives.

What do these heroes in our midst get in return for their indefatigable efforts? They certainly aren’t the best paid professionals in the world. They rarely get awards or ticker tape parades. Not for them is the glory of, say, a LeBron James. But perhaps they get a greater feeling of wholeness and purpose, a sense that their life has meaning.

In an episode of The Crown, Prince Phillip longs for the life of the Apollo 11 astronauts and for what must surely have been an extraordinary adventure setting foot on the moon. When he meets the fictionalized Armstrong, Aldrin, and Collins, however, he realizes they are just ordinary young men, slightly goofy, awed by the grandeur of Buckingham Palace, and not at all given to philosophical marveling at the journey they have just made.

We can all be heroic in our own small ways when we make sacrifices for others, whether it be our families, our communities, or the greater good. We will not get a special prize when we wear a mask in public to protect others from possible COVID-19 transmission. We won’t get an award for working each week at the local food pantry helping feed the poor. And no one will applaud us for staying up all night with a sick parent or child. Instead, we will gain an inner light and peace that comes from knowing the true joy that giving all we have can bring.

Back to School

Labor Day marks the end of summer for many children and young adults as they prepare for their return to school. This year that first day of school is complicated by the need for safety protocols due to the coronavirus pandemic.

While some schools are returning to full attendance on day one, others are choosing an entirely online beginning to the school year, while still others are using a hybrid model in order to have fewer students on campus at any given time.

Whatever the situation for a particular school, this year is sure to test the mettle of students and faculty alike – not to mention the fortitude of parents forced into a new role as academic mentors and gatekeepers. Students who are allowed to attend in person will find themselves distanced from their classmates and forced to wear masks all day. I especially feel for kindergartners, whose need for closeness and hugs will have to be forestalled. Children and teens stuck at home trying to learn all their lessons online will have to deal with isolation and perhaps difficulty meshing this kind of instruction with their particular learning styles. And teachers will struggle to meet the needs of kids with less access to technology and fewer educational resources in the home.

If there is one thing I am certain of, however, it is that our society can meet the challenge of this current state of affairs and do our best to help our children thrive. In my own community, I have seen efforts to create learning pods so that students can help each other learn. Collaborative learning has been increasingly emphasized at all levels of education, so students helping students could work to their advantage in the years to come. I have also seen drives to equip students from more impoverished schools with the technological tools they need for online learning. For instance, graduating seniors from my local high school were encouraged to donate their school laptops to students in need.

I’m not saying it will be easy. But our country has withstood devastating wars, social unrest, and past pandemics with resiliency and hope. As our greatest natural resource, our children, return to school, let us all do as much as we can materially, emotionally, and even spiritually to see that no child is left behind.

The Upside

When I first learned of the COVID-era move-in plan at my daughter’s college, I was disheartened. The plan called for one parent, and one parent only, to drive the student to campus, have her tested, and drop her off outside her new dorm, lingering only long enough to allow the student to get all of her belongings into her dorm room by herself. Parents would not be allowed to enter the dorms, and students would basically be in quarantine for at least the next week.

While college administrators repeatedly apologized for the draconian but, in their view, necessary precautions, it was cold comfort to me as I prepared to launch the baby of the family into the next chapter of her life. I have always been an emotional person, and I have cried many a tear as each of my four children made their way toward adulthood.

Turns out my fears were unfounded. In fact, dropping off my youngest at college was the most painless and least emotional of all. Call it the upside of COVID-19 restrictions. There was no stepping over each other in the tight space of a dorm room, no short tempers over the physical exertion of the move. I didn’t have the luxury of a prolonged or teary goodbye, especially since it was raining during the entire move-in process. Most importantly, my daughter got a jumpstart on her independence.

The day after she moved into college, our daughter contacted us on FaceTime and proudly showed us her room. She had decorated her walls and was organizing her things  just the way she wanted them. She was brimming with positivity and excitement, even though the highlight of her day was getting to walk the short distance to the dining hall and pick up her to-go dinner.

My daughter’s first year college experience will not be like her siblings.’ Right now the setup bears more resemblance to a prison term. She is confined in her room except for meals and a short period outside for daily exercise. (I wonder if the “inmates” are trading cigarettes on the yard!) To the extent that the campus contains the spread of COVID-19, students will be given more freedoms. For now, though, they are battening down the hatches and hoping to prevail against the storm. Still, my daughter is thrilled to be there. And we are proud and happy for her, even though I already miss her dear face something fierce.

I appreciate the care and thoughtfulness that went into the college’s planning on reopening this fall. I know my daughter will be protected and cared for while she is away from me. Most of all, though, I am thankful for the short and sweet goodbye. Colleges might want to consider getting rid of the parents as quickly even when the coronavirus goes away.

 

COVID Family Values

The coronavirus has made hanging out with your parents cool.

Well, I may be exaggerating just a tad. But the other day my daughter agreed to accompany me on my errands, something we haven’t done together for years. As teenagers, our kids are generally programmed to avoid us like, well, the plague.

After a couple of errands, we decided to treat ourselves to Starbucks. As we adjusted our masks in preparation to go into the store, we saw a classmate of my daughter’s walking toward us flanked by – you guessed it – her parents!

Everywhere I walk in my small town, I see a similar scenario: teenaged and adult children enjoying some quality time with their parents. What is happening here? Has stay-at-home boredom caused the youth of America to snap and actually be caught dead (or rather alive) with their folks?

It’s true that as things have opened up, I’ve seen more gatherings of kids in public places. The news is filled with stories of young partiers making COVID-19 rates soar in some locations. A Wall Street Journal article showed that adolescents and young adults are developmentally driven to congregate with each other. Yet I am still seeing lots more intergenerational bonding around me than I have in the past.

Maybe the fragile nature of our lives has made families more appreciative of having each other in their lives. With coronavirus deaths in America nearing 200,000, too many families are experiencing the loss of a loved one to this dread disease. Staying close to home, to our families, is a way to feel safer in such an environment. But I also think that perhaps the enforced time together has made children appreciate their parents more. Maybe they realize that they actually kind of like old Mom and Dad.

After we picked up our coffees, my daughter and I noticed that a fine art fair had been set up in the park next to the train station. So we meandered over to check out the painting, ceramics, jewelry, and other arts on display. It was a lovely summer day, and we had no pressing engagements. I kept sneaking glances at my daughter, marveling at the glorious 19-year-old she has become. I kept pinching myself to make sure this was all real.

In a week, we will be dropping our daughter off at college more than 1,000 miles away from home. She is so ready, and we are thrilled to be able to see her off on her next stage of life. (Just kidding. I’m an emotional wreck.) I plan to enjoy these last few days of togetherness with her and store them up in my memory banks for years to come.

COVID Mall Madness

Up until recently, I had managed to avoid any trips to our local shopping mall since the state had allowed nonessential businesses to reopen. Never having been a big shopper, I haven’t really missed the mall. But back to school is upon us, and my daughter needed a few things before she leaves for college. So off we went.

The Nordstrom store was fairly empty considering that they were holding their biggest sale of the year. Sale areas were roped off, and gatekeepers were there to make sure not too many people shopped in the same area at the same time. The whole place seemed too bright and curiously devoid of merchandise, as if I’d stepped into a dream about shopping at Nordstrom.

Out in the mall area, masked shoppers waited in socially distanced lines to go into various shops. Popular places like the Apple Store had little tents to keep out the sun. I just could not imagine waiting in these lines to pick up a new bra from Victoria’s Secret or a candle from Bath & Body Works. And I wondered aloud to my daughter what Christmas shopping was going to look like in the year of COVID-19.

Up in the food court area, things seemed a bit more normal. There were fewer tables in order to keep diners spaced apart. But people noshed on sandwiches and ice cream without their masks, so it felt a little more like the old days. The one sign that things were not what they seemed was the shuttered AMC movie theater. I have read that AMC is planning to reopen soon with 15 cent movie tickets to lure people back. Moviegoing has already taken a huge hit from the plethora of technology and streaming services that allow viewers to enjoy entertainment in the comfort of their homes. I can’t imagine setting foot into a movie theater any time soon.

Our shopping expedition was a bust. I was reluctant to go into stores, and my daughter found nothing to buy in the couple of places we entered. We ended up with a pair of athletic socks and, at least in my case, the knowledge that there would be no temptation to revisit the mall anytime soon.

Online shopping has been a huge help to us all during the coronavirus shutdown. I have been able to find what I need without leaving the safety of my home. Even furnishing my daughter’s dorm room can be done remotely. But the convenience of the internet has caused shopping malls to become increasingly obsolete. Even before COVID-19, malls were struggling to find a new recipe to attract customers. After my outing the other day, I fear that coronavirus may sound the death knell of the mall as we know it.

Where are the mall rats to go?