A Pox on All You Starbucks



Recently, Starbucks cafes had the nerve to release a plain red cup as their sorry excuse for a holiday design. Christians were justifiably outraged that the design lacked snowmen, Santas, reindeer, or any other traditional Christian symbology to mark the Christmas season. Today, I want to stand in solidarity with Christians who rightly assume Starbucks “hates Jesus.” But I would like to take the anti-Starbucks rhetoric even further to encompass all the real and theoretical belief systems that could be offended by the atheistic Seattle-based coffee chain.

In solidarity with my Jewish and Muslim brothers and sisters, I take umbrage at the fact that Starbucks serves food items containing ham and bacon, forcing them to endure the delectable yet non-kosher aromas of cooked pork assaulting them when they visit a Starbucks.

And did you know that some Starbucks now serve beer and wine? What’s a self-respecting Baptist, Mormon, or Muslim to do with that affront?

In fact, the whole idea of Starbucks should be anathema due to its shameless promotion of caffeine intake, thereby offending Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists alike!

Furthermore, the chain was named after a character in the novel Moby Dick, a classic that, as an English major, I should have read but didn’t. Must I revisit my own shortcomings every time I see those block white letters on their green signs?

I say it’s time to rise up in solidarity against Starbucks and its shameless refusal to cater to our every need and insecurity. So this holiday season, no matter what your religious persuasion or personal ideology, I urge you to forgo your peppermint mochas and teach Starbucks a lesson.

That’s a surefire way to keep Christ in Christmas, dontcha think?


3 thoughts on “A Pox on All You Starbucks

  1. Paul Infanger

    For my own personal protest, I give the Starbucks barista a false name. Therefore, when my order is ready, they are forced to announce “I have a Grande Mocha for SATAN!”

    Liked by 1 person

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